Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
