In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
