chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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