last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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