i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
