A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
