On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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