Got a toothbrush?
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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