Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
