I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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