...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
