So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
