the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
