We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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