just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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