??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
