i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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