dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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