After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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