I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
