yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
