Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I FOUND THE LEGS
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
