Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
