i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
