Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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