Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
