what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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