M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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