She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
