I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
