Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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