Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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