Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
They have beer where we have blood.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
