Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
