the condom got lost in my hair
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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