I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
