I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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