shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
