Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
