I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
