I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
