You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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