My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
