I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
