I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
nutella sex= disaster
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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