ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
