Jerry, you need to find god
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
