I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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