I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
