Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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