my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
