If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
