Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
